We'll Call it a Vacation

Hello Children
As I'm certain you're all aware, Waffles and I have been absent from this brave new world for a few weeks. For my absence I apologise (and I commend Waffles for finally giving up on posting).

Which raises the question, where the hell were you?

I know your lives have been largely incomplete these last two weeks, and so was mine. I missed my man in another country who did sleep around a bit when he was away. Good for him. Bad for me.

Boo, so after hearing about these conquests I decided it was time for MY vacation. I went to Vancouver Island for the week and blissfully slipped into a bit of a alcohol fuelled non-existance. Twas wonderful.

I think I'm mostly over little j and just had some romanticising built up in my blood, some fairy tale in which everything was all rainbows and daisies. Now that I've screwed that out of my system I feel slightly better.

You know who doesn't feel better? Everyone else.

Waffles and the ex aren't doing well. They're having lots of minor tiffs and I told him that they should just get a divorce or stop fucking. He didn't like the suggestion.

Little j says he's happy that I was a slut on vacation because so was he. Fair's fair.

And what of Old Man Earl... He's... alive. He's quite stressed and isn't handling himself very well (he might be living solely on tea). I've talked to B about it and he concurs that Earl needs some more help (and less self medicating). I'm sure he'll be fine, he's been depressed most of his life so this is just a rough patch. Probably the alcohol.

So that's a brief update of my charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent.

You're all a bunch of slags
Duchess Anita Fisten-Botten

Self-Uninterest

I still need some time to sort my shit out before i update the Waffles and Mark fb status. Well, it got complicated, but I don't want to talk about it until after I get calmed down.

Instead let's look at current events, because those never make anyone upset.

Hmmmm, Canada has some stuff, blah blah blah, hockey, blah blah blah, not much gay/good looking men stuff. So we'll skip that and look at some pressing matters down south.

Lt. Dan Choi got arrested!
WTF! I don't really know much about the man except that he is the poster manchild of DADT lately. He was going to go to UBC (to give a lecture) if their pride organisation could muster some ridiculous amount of funds (several thousand dollars). But he got arrested at the White House (or in front) for protesting DADT. Good for him, not enough rightious people are being arrested these days for their causes. Let's follow his example and all get arrested (then let the jailhouse rock really begin).

While I myself am a coward and always banked on my pink card to get me out of fighting any wars, I have nothing but respect for the men and women who put their lives on the line for others. [edited criticism of a certain douchey president/vice-president and their douchbaggery] Especially the ones who have to make the personal sacrifice by staying closeted or else getting kicked out of their career. It's BS.

Moving on...

Let the Dykes Dance
I may not agree with their ability to dance, but i will defend to the death the right to do it (seriously, there's something hypnotic about watching them). All jokes aside, I'd like to have a conversation with the person who thought this was a good solution to the problem. I'm sure the thought process was something like:

Well I could either let these, girls go together, OR I could make them the cause of us cancelling the prom... Which would do more damage to everyone involved? Hmmmm. Sully the reputation of our school, embroil us in controversy, and make this girl a social-martyr for gay rights, or let them dance... It's tough...

Toss up, i'm not sure which I would rather... fuck some people are stupid. Speaking of stupid, a General is responding to calls for the end of DADT by citing gay dutch troops as the cause of a massacre during the Bosnian war.

I'm ashamed to be human today.

I'm sure there are loads of other things I just wanted to get some ranting done...

I still need a sign off.

Que Sera Sera

Hello Children
I'm not sure how it happened, but for some reason I've started posting on here more regularly than my dearest Waffles and Old Man Grey... (I should probably call an ambulance to check up on him)

Oh my, so little has happened and yet I still need to tell you, my dearies, about so much. Earl is off the wagon (Seinfeld-ian aside, is it off the wagon or on the wagon?) anyway, he's an adult and I think we can all forgive him for partaking in something that's as natural as breathing for most of us... (or me anyway)

I haven't seen Waffles in a few days, but apparently he's been here to clean things up, I think he's sulky about something but he usually tells me such things so I don't care. And even if I did, it would probably only be because I was right about he and his ex being a bad idea... Suck it. I was right.

As for little J, he's off to Greece. We spoke very briefly before he left, he seemed excited, I told him to sleep with someone pretty with an outrageous last name for me and back hair thick enough to braid and he laughed... then he got kind of quiet. I don't even know what to make from that, I told him to have fun though.

Then the unthinkable happened.

I turned off the cam, and sighed. Lordy what's a happenin to me? Sighing is a tremendously sacred act for queens and queers, reserved for moments of utter mockery. Usually paired with an eye roll, a bitch please, or just a scathing look, the sigh is to be deployed with the utmost of bitchery. But this... this was an honestly pensive *sigh*. I miss him. And I think he may've been disappointed when I told him to sleep with something pretty.

Fuck real emotions, I'm going dancing tonight with some of the Daniels, perhaps Waffles if he feels up to it after work (by that i mean he's not off fucking his emotions/mark). Join me if you like, i'll be the Fab Drag Queen double fisting on the dance floor.

You're all a bunch of slags
Duchess Anita Fisten-Botten

Puzzles

Hello Children
I do feel much better, thank you so much for asking. It was however quite difficult to get myself back to work today as I was enjoying not doing a thing for several days...

Now I won't give you the exciting details of my dramatic recovery, I will mention that flu meds with a mystery expiration date and rupaul's drag race make for interesting and vivid dreams. I did talk to little J yesterday though, on skype so we didn't have to waste any more precious dollars that I already don't have. His term is going well, although apparently the two weeks he took off for the olympics weren't his spring break, which is next week... and while I would love to say that he'll be coming on down to visit this queen for a week... sadly he's going to Greece. Slag. He's gonna meet some sexy chica on the beach to replace me.

Alright so i'm less upset by the prospect of such hotties w/ j provided its videotaped... but still.

I'm at Old Man Grey's house, he is pretty sick still, poor thing, on his way out and all. He asked me to help him with his new office layout, it's like tetris. Make everything fit and make sure there aren't stupid unusable spaces.

In between his coughing hacking and wheezing, Grey is telling me about an amusing comic book character he thought of. Just so we're clear concrete is not a superpower. Anyway, I voiced my opinion that lab accidents were no longer interesting origin stories. If I were a super hero (and sometimes I think I am) I would want an amazing origin. Like cloud from marvel comics, a sentient nebula to-be? why yes, that is feasible.

Granted I haven't exactly revolutionised the comic industry, but one day. Perhaps a fabulous drag queen is getting hate crimed when she discovers that she can use songs(lip-sync'd of course) to distort the perceptions of others! Or an over the hill mo discovers he has a magic teapot that helps him solve crimes (somehow).

Maybe I'll go visit the compassion club and get some... inspiration.

You're all a bunch of slags
Duchess Anita Fisten-Botten

Exiled

i'm back at home now (living at mark's was getting to be too difficult with our schedules and figuring out who's going to need the key when) bah... but it was a good time. Well, there were some minor issues, but i'll get into that in more detail laterface.

First, Anita is still sick, but she's getting better. Her nose is all icky and leaky, and she sounds like a 60 year old smoker. Nevertheless she's braving work again (which is bold because its cold and wet outside and she's going to probably die a little bit) but she's a tough ladyboy. The house was a mess, but since we only have the one room we (read: i) was able to clean it up enough that it is liveable again.

Speaking of living, I asked Mark how he is able to afford living in Van... and he basically said his parents helped him move in and bought the furniture and blah blah blah all but pay his rent/food/bills. It's a nice thing to do and it allowed him to move here, but i can't help but feel a little, jealous.

My parents aren't that well off so most everthing i've got is my own (except for a few hand em downs) and i've been working since i.... alright so i edited my complaints down so i don't seem like such a paperbag princess.

Also, Mark is out to his parents! i can't even believe it... he always said that he would never be out, that it didn't suit his lifestyle (him being a jock or some nonsense) and yet here he is... i guess people change. He didn't seem to think it was that big of a deal and his parents got over it fairly well. He started talking about how he told them and all the obligatory emotions that went along with it... and then there was a silence and he was waiting/hoping to hear my coming out story and i had to confess that i wasn't out...

Secret shame, i'm still in the closet. I know it's not unheard of at my age, but at the same time I'm really ok with being queer it's just that i've seen how it turned out for anita and i can't bring myself to do it.

It'll have to happen eventually, i know that, but not yet...

Mark was a little disappointed in me i think, (he didn't say it, but he definately was acting differently afterwards). he did give me a hug tho which was more emotional than usual (usally means the hugging is lusty and precursor to same-sex sex... which happened later anyway but that's besides the point)

so i feel weird, my ex is clearly out queering me (despite the fact that he has yet to go to a real gay club and that i live w/ a drag queen), i still like him as more than just friends (w/ benefits), and all i want to do is lay in bed and jerk off to adam's song by blink 182...

alright that's a fucked up visual

i still need a sign off...

Icky

Hello children

As waffles has mentioned i am ill, don't cry for me, i'm sure *cough* i'll get *wheeze* over it *vomits everything i've ever eaten*

that has been my sad existance for the past 2 days... but i think it's getting better... (or at least i've run out of things to throw up)

anyway, i've lost parts of my mind to boredom/tv atrophy. the melting pot of my viewing schedule has left me feeling... hyper-creative/incoherent.

no reviews here (but i did watch Chuck season 1, house, project runway, survivor, amazing race, and the real world)

reality tv is terrible, not because it's more or less contrived than the 'drama' that tvland is putting out, but because it saps my will to live/help my fellow man (except perhaps that wonderfully bisexual mike...)

he's nice to look at provided you don't look at his eyebrows... but i really don't think i should be throwing any stones... (i did just watch 15 mins of youtube focussing on songs sung in ASL)

but hey, my steady diet of coffee and alcohol coupled with being a bike messanger and a dancehall enthusiast keeps me in decent shape (plus vomiting is good for your abs right?) anyway, mike seems like an upstanding gentleman whose roomates seem to be good at reflecting society's biphobia, it exists, move on

ufhgskl i feel nastier than the girl who doesn't get service from macdonalds because she left her shoes at the strip club in fort mcmurray... (was that a stretch?) oh well shit... btw gaga is ridiculous

You're all a bunch of slags
Duchess Anita Fisten-Botten

Infected

Anita is sick.

REAL SICK...

Like didn't go to work, hasn't been able to get out of bed except to vomit, sick

it's icky.

On the plus side, since B (thus ruling earl's house out) is sick and i have only so many friends, i'm shacking up with mark for time being... i hope anita never gets better... Alright that's a tad dramatic. I shouldn't be so creepy/stalker-ish especially since as far as we're (read: he's) concerned we're just friends...

but how can you be friends with this?!?

alright so that's an exaggeration, but for serious, he's got a great body... and if that were all he had then i think i'd be over him, but we've got a history. that goosebumps like when he first touched me history... and i realise that the more i hang out with him the more similar we are.

Like, we both have a strange karmic attraction to the number 11... i'm trying to think of some other's that sound less crazy but all i can think of is our love of olives or other stupid things...

anyway...
i'm gonna go meet up w/ him... hope the secks is fantastic
i still need a signoff

Ennui

Hello Children

Another dialled down day, work was stupid and i don't even want to talk about it, you can't make me, really? you mean you're wanting to hear about it? Oh, I suppose so.

The tale of Anita the Fabulous Bike Messanger

Okay so I don't ride a mf broom, deal with it. I would if i could tho. Anyway, I started work at 8, and was hoping to relax for a bit dt before the lazy SOB's in the offices started paging. Just got a coffee and was sitting with ma bike when i was given my marching orders.

The first order of the day was a single envelope from one company to their lawyers across the street, it was Priority 1. No joke, these people couldn't get off their own asses to deliver their own fucking letter which probably said:

dear evil lawyer
thank you so much for giving our company the legal rights to destroy the environment and kill babies and make a fortune doing it

sincerely
a fat douche

That is how i picture the people i deliver for. But since all I ever see is their tired looking secretary administrative assistant, I wouldn't know. Granted I do enjoy one building dt, it's right above pacific centre and the guy on the 15th floor makes it worth the while, too bad i can't always go there...

Anyway, job 1 went off without a hitch, job two was for a company near GM place. I went in there and picked up a couple of letters but this old lady started reaming me out.

Apparently the last messenger didn't deliver them fast enough (i wanted to point out that yelling at me is only going to slow me down). I couldn't help but think of the old woman with the shoe that was an obstacle in Paperboy (for the nintendo)

Anyway, despite my ability to get my job done, i still felt lousey afterwards. (not even crisp air, endorphines, and caffiene could pick me up) The rest of the day wasn't too bad tho

I did go to tea with earl, he listened to me bitch about how i've been extra bitchy lately (he concurred).

earl: what have yuo been eating lately?
afb: bitch please do i look like i've been eating?
earl: *bitch please stare*
afb: not great i guess, coffee for breakfast, fruit and sandwich throughout the day, then whatever we have at home
earl: well i find that not eating enough coupled with too much sugar and not enough sleep makes me go a little crazy... i can only imagine what it would do to you

for all my fabulous bravado, i listened to earl, maybe that's all i'm missing, no sleep and no food makes annie go something something... but i don't think so, and earl knew it too i bet... he just didn't want to admit the futility of my absent swiss choclatier (little J we'll call him). He said he wants to come back when his spring term is over, but i felt guilty about that, me guilty, can you imagine?

these real emotions are a pain, maybe i'll just go to C's bday party at the O on sat and forget all my troubles with a bottle of fun (followed by a bottle of self-pity, then one of remorse)

you're all a bunch of slags
Duchess Anita Fisten-Botten

Nice Eyes

smiles are nice, but i like eyes, i'm a sucker for them...

my great-aunt (a fab old lady who reminds me of a combo of anita and earl in hair curlers) used to rant (between the cigarettes) about all manner of things, included in these things was her claim that she could tell everything about a person from their eyes...

after that i didn't want to look at her in the eyes if i could help it, and she winked at me and said she wouldn't tell anyone. Freaked me out, because i wasn't sure whether she was full of shit or not... but i was in an early stage of being a baby gay so i didn't want her to figure it out before i had the opportunity to figure it out...

so what do eyes say about a person? gateway to the soul and all that jazz?

you be the judge



mmmm, lurve those eyes it's getting me all hot and bothered

anita has some nice eyes, really nice, light blue almost grey, very serene but still have a twinkle of magic to them

earl's eyes, once you get past the crows feet and bags, also nice, but more sagely (still may be the bags+crow feet)

there, no longer hot and bothered...

i still need a sign-off

Hangover...

Hello Children

Everyone's favourite queen is back... albeit slightly diminished... Well hungover at any rate, Waffles says I've gone soft... maybe i have but I'll still cut you!

Anyway, i'm not hungover right now (I only had 1 bottle of wine last night and that is NOT enough), not really anyway, more like a life hangover. The olympics are over and while I didn't really get caught up in whipping out medals or the like, I did have fun.

So as waffles said i was seeing a boy over the past two weeks, now he's gone and i'm actually upset (especially considering it was just supposed to be a one night stand)...

I'm not really sure what it was about him, perhaps that he was so exotic (yes europe is exotic to a ho like me)... it turns out he was swiss (sort of) but lives in paris and glasgow (one for school one for parents). His family has some kind of chocolate fortune (which is as delicious as it sounds). But despite being wonderfully eurotrash and upper class, he doesn't act it, in fact he slums it so well I thought he was going to rob me in my sleep.

*swoon* he didn't rob me though...

i talked to him last night (may've gotten a calling card or five) and he said he was settling back into life, but he missed me... what a fucking prick.

k i have to be more coherent... i'd say it was my time of the month or that i'm knocked up but i think i may actually just be having real emotions for a change.

I didn't think that was possible but here I am. Maybe I'll talk to earl or one of my lady friends about it, they're pretty good with real things.

Dear Diary
The first person I have actual emotions for left the continent. I tell myself that it's for the better that I can go back to my real life, but I think I really liked him. A lot...

I'm the slag
Anita F-B

Helping out

(910):
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.

reading texts from last night is fun... sometimes i wonder if i've ever sent anything that patheti-funny... i doubt it... unless i was too drunk to remember...

i didn't watch the oscars last night (save you're hissing queens) i was at work. it wasn't super busy, but i didn't feel too enthused to be there, mostly because lately i've been spending some time... (read: too much time) with Mark, he seems to be doing well in van, let's face it his personality is far more conducive to meeting, interesting, or some combination of the two, people...

let's face it if i didn't meet up with anita that one fatefull night i would be far different. i'd probably be in school for one, being dull^2 every night, find a job i hate, live a miserable existance and die alone...

although Mark would still move here... sigh, he's so pretty. We usually end up hooking up when we hang out, but i think i should tell himface how i feel so that he doesn't realise how much better he could do... it's a good thing the gayest bar we've been to in van was in a moxies (and not even the one on davie) otherwise the guys would be all over him... fuck

Catastrophuck

Written a few days ago but never got around to posting it.

Work was a pain. I'm glad I'm in the back usually, because we rarely are the problem. The FOH staff screw up... bad... and often... but not last night.

Last night, we had a full house, and everyone was on top of their game until we realised that the prep cook wasn't in this morning! So everyone is pissed at chef because it's his job to stay on top of things, but he was super hung over earlier and didn't check. SO fuck. We had to change our special midshift, after we had 4 or 5 orders for it that we had to cancel. We started getting behind, yelling ensued, a dishwasher walked out, the manager got in on it, the FOH staff was super pissed...

Then I dropped a steak. A well done (which to me is no longer a steak, but the price is the same) steak, fully plated. So shit...

We eventually got our shit together and finished the night (thank dog i didn't have to close) but i still had to deal with the fallout of the steak. Sure there was yelling and swearing at the time (super professional btw guys when the kitchen is visible to the guests). Afterwards i got a pretty severe talking too while my boss chain smoked. Alright it mostly wasn't directed at me, but my name was thrown in there a lot with a few choice words. That stung.

In the past i'd hardly care, but now that i've been working there for... almost 8 months or so i've started to become invested in that job... it's not a bad restaurant to work for, and i think it's actually stoking some creativity in the meals i cook at homo sweet home. Sometimes i think i should go be a chef, but i like food too much and fear that i'll get angry with all having to deal with it all day longface...

AND SCENE

hokay so that was what i'd written towards the last few days of the olympics, things have gotten sorted in teh kitchen (prep cook fired) new one had one shift, didn't show up again, so here comes another one!

I may've seen Mark again, and i'm only slightly concerned with the attraction i'm feeling... it reminds me of the stuff i used to write in hs, about all the shit he used to put me through... i'll post one later, i just have to find the one i'm thinking of.

So the gist of the writing is that even though we know we liked each other (which i'll remind you grew out of lust) we couldn't express it. And while we were SUPER-MEGA-ULTRA-different(sorry was watching digimon earlier) we were really very similar.

Maybe i'm doing that thing i'm good at where i make excuses for a person i fall for (we all do it, but i'm bestest at it) and we lie to ourselves. Maybe i only miss the feeling of being baby gay and finding my first bf and all the adversity or starcrossed lovers and the like, the hot and heaviness of it... the excitement of just seeing him... but then i actually see him and think, no he's a terriffic person and things are different now...

Anita is a little distant right now i think she misses her little drummer boy (he was in a band how cute is that?), he doesn't have fb so little o-face annie is discouraged but they have msn. i think she likes him a lot, to the point where she met his parents

Some context, Anita keeps everyone at a distance because she doesn't like getting hurt, (one day i'll tell you the story of our dis-fuck-tional relationship). Well, that's my opinion of the matter Anita may now tear a strip out of me. So by her letting someone get familiar enough to warrant a sitcom-esque meet the parents style dinner extravaganza is pretty significant. i'm rooting for her, and hope that he's good to her (even if they are on other sides of the world...)

i should have a clever sign off

You know what I like about Appa?

His sense of humour!

Hello children, I'll be your entertainment early this morning...

Let me just say, Avatar (the last airbender) not the other one, is key.

Also my douche of a roomate decided that he should let the world wide web about me getting all tied up w/ my lovely foreign lover... He's into it, I thought it was a good time, not sure I'll do it again... after he leaves I mean. (sigh, but he drives me crazy!)

It's a shame though, I mean I did enter into the... (OMG i was just going to say relationship) situation because it would've been a one time thing, but when you throw yourself at the world with such reckless abandon it has a weird way of... surprising you I guess...

Waffles mentioned his ex is back from outer space, I just walked in to find you hear with that sad look upon your face... Gloria is key btw... I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now, mark i mean, waffles is crazy and i don't trust his judgement for a second. I will however mention that he wasn't the only one to have a secret bf in hs...

I don't really want to get into origins pt deux, mostly because i'm off to make up w/ my roomate, we haven't seen each other (for any appreciable period of time) in about a week so i figure we should talk and drink and spoon...

you're all a bunch of slags
Duchess Anita Fisten-Botten

FLAMER

So look at me, 2 posts, 1 day (much better than that 2 girls 1 cup everyone seemed so fond of)...

Anyway, I don't really want to spend too much time being all socially responsible, but i read an incendiary little piece about some people's aversions to a certain kind of gay...

Described as Flamers, these bombastic individuals live by their own rules. They're loud and they're proud but what have they done for us lately? I mean besides being the big gay face of our modern movement.

While they are paraded around TV as the sexual (yet sexless), nasal, and flippant figures like Jack from W&G or Mark from Ugly Betty, you must realise that they aren't real. They are machinations of the entertainment industry and while some characters are becoming increasingly deep, they are still just characters.

Unfortunately, the real world doesn't realise this. Who do we blame? The flamers. Why? Because they're just so damn (pick one) loud/femme/different/bitchy... Not the people that distort our perception of people into 2-D characters, not the ones that exploit internalised xenophobia, not the people who make millions off of the sensationalised charicatures.

Now can people be annoying? Yes, but let's not stereotype, i think it causes global warming or something... It undermines our fight for gay rights, because as long as we hate each other (groundlessly) we can't unify, we can't look to each other for strength, we can't form bonds of community... fuck, now i'm just going around in circles...better cut this short and sleep...

let the internet flame fight about flamers begin! (i kid, Earl and Anita agree with me and let's face facts, they be the ones who read this... maybe)

Sex w/ Ex's

So sorry my many followers that I haven't been able to post here in what seems like lifetimes (to everyone but Old Earl who I think was around during the first world war). ANyway, been busy at work

Q: Waffles where do you work?
A: at a restaurant! (i'm being all mysterious because i don't want to have too many stalkers following me around)

Speaking of stalkers one of my ex's called me recently which is unusual. Well no, the calling wasn't unusual because we're still on good terms, dare i say, we're almost friends. No the weird thing is that i have an ex at all...

I'm good at saying things which need to be clarified, so let me explain. I don't usually date people. I've dated one, perhaps two people in ma life (apart from girls, in HS i was all about the dating of girls, mostly for the social aspect but sometimes there were some feelings, sorta, if i strain my eyes...) ANyway, i dated Anita, briefly, but that didn't work out so we don't count her, and we still sleep in the same bed but there is no touching. Unless we're both really drunk, then we spoon. (btw Anita has been tied up with her foriegn beau, literally, I walked in on them and she was tied up)... Anyway^2, the only other person i dated was named Mark, (how dull is that?!?) he was butch which was weird for me because he was always talking about the game or whatnot and I was like "cool, their outfits were nice..." or something just to immasculate him, but anyway, he was from ma hometown and we were secret bf's, my dad didn't understand why we were friends really and in hindsight I didn't either. BUT the important thing is that it happened and for the first 2-3 weeks when we did see each other, the feelings were so intense, just thinking of him made me blush and get all kinds of 'excited'

He would come over, we'd play videogames, make out, fool around (we neva had the bum sex although he wanted me to top him, i just wasn't quite there). But after awhile we ran out of videogames to play and at about the same time people started asking questions and it all got too complicated so he called me a fag at school and I was done with it. We didn't speak for awhile (because i was heartbroken and he confessed that he was too, but it was too hard to be a couple).

ANYWAY, when I moved out here "for school" I came out of my shell (and closet) and started having adventures with my new friends here. Usually this meant dance/coffee/hook up with random some random people, but I didn't date. There were times when I did meet someone particularly fetching, and for a few days I would lust after them and call it love, but I (read: everyone but me) realised what I was doing and smacked me before I could make too many bad decisions.

Eventually Mark calls me and says he decided to take a job in town in december. So we go for coffee from time to time, and that usually ends up in bed (his bed is sooooo nice, it's the one gay thing he does properly, he has the nicest bed/sheets/comforter/pillows and its always super tidy), he's really relaxed since moving out here, he drops the butch act a little more too and I think he's entertaining the idea of actually going to celebrities with me sometime. He's be popular there, he's popular anywhere really, especially if he can take his shirt off (he wouldn't dare do that in public at a gay bar though).

Anita doesn't like me hooking up w/ him tho (just like I don't approve of her hooking up with her ex, ESP in ma bed!). Earl doesn't judge (because i'll call him old). My coworkers don't really get the dynamics, they think that the relationship ended for a reason and that it ended (but they don't really know the whole story). I don't really know why i'm writing this now, its kinda frenetic and disjointed, maybe I just think i need to justify my conduct (if only subconsciously). But I know I'm not doing anything wrong, Mark is sweet, but the underlying let's grab some beers and watch the big game (are all games The Big Game?) or am I imagining that? So if we're both available and not really dating anyone why not just 'help each other out'

'Help each other out' was how he suggested we fool around the first time. After doing that a few times it became our code for fooling around, then he asked me if I could help him out with something else... if we could be bfs... Hehe... Okay so i just got a little rush from that... Shit... I'm lusting after my ex...

Figure Skating

I'm watching figure skating w/ Earl and B (and Vivi is sitting in my lap asleep) and i'm trying to decide if a larger woman from say eastern europe may be able to do the lifts on the men, or would that be a nigel lythgoe of a gender no no? I mean, would that just throw a wrench into the farcical idea that figure skating men need to be butch?

Shame, the canadian pair didn't do so well, but the guy from dawson creek is pretty cute, i'd do him, which isn't saying much considering i've spent the last weekend with a cripply old man who thinks he's getting gangreene or somethingin his jaw, his adorable bf, and listening to my drag queen roomate talk about her foreign conquest.

I'm not terribly concerned tho, I'm meeting up with some people at the O tonight, hopefully I can have some fun tonight... Well no i don't want to hook up, I'd just like to be liked and what's the harm in that?

Apparently all you've got to do in figure skating is not fuck it up, which is a hard proposition for the teams thus far (canada, china, and russia have thus far screwed the pooch)... OH another canadian team... I'm slightly biased, I like the pride that comes with winning, like when the canucks win, but not when they lose, because as soon as they lose "oh shit those loser's suck"... and then everyone in town gets all band wagony...

Here comes Dube/Davison, I'd do him too... They're uniforms are somewhat dull and he needs a good shave... hopefully he doesn't take a skate to the face... canadian girl fell... China got gold and silver, germany bronze...

Apparently Anita's foreigner is super charming, Earl met him briefly, which makes me sulky, but don't tell her that... I'm going to get tea and lick my wounds

Hospitality

Hello Children,

I'm terribly sorry for my absence leaving you deeply enthralled in my story to be sure, but you're going to have to wait a little longer for my origin part 2...

In any case, I did get some this past weekend and it was good despite what my dear friend Waffles says. The boy's name is Jacques or something to that effect, and before you get all bent out of shape (like Waffles did) about me not remembering names or something, that isn't the case. In fact we met at the O, the music was loud and so was I, but poor little J, just a tourist in town for the Olympics (i think) was so quiet/accented (ugh i'm a sucker for a nice accent) that i couldn't not give him some Canadian hospitality.

So, I won't get too much into that, but he was a good kisser, really good... Like top ten I'd say. Maybe it was the way the Swisher Sweet mixed with his bavarian beer, but I liked it, muchly. He'll be here for another 2 weeks, but he's "WITH HIS PARENTS!" wtf? I did the quick math and nothing was illegal (in canada) and he is old enough to get into clubs so that's something. But really? You're parents? Granted this gave me a minor coronary the morning after because I could envision a big burly Russian father breaking down my door looking for his son so he could brutally murder the both of us, but that didn't happen (Mercy me does my imagination get away from me sometimes...) No, he's out to them and they apparently understand that he is prone to getting out and meeting the locals and all that.

He wants to meet for something casual tomorrow afternoon (i think he meant casual dinner not casual what we did last time) I just hope his parents don't want to meet me (more anxiety). I'll let you know how that goes later.

In the meantime, I hear Old-Man Grey is up and about again, which is good news because I figured this wisdom teeth thing would be milked ad naseum and he would be perpetually homebound (moreso than usual) but apparently the drugs did him wonders... Maybe all he needed was to have a little wisdom out.

Meanwhile, Waffles dearest, don't judge my conquests nor my ex, I'm a big girl and can hold my own.

You're all a bunch of slags,
Duchess Anita Fisten-Botten

Fraud

Anita dearest, make some better decisions.

No she didn't get with her ex, but she didn't get in with an Olympian either (just someone with an accent). It was cute, by it i mean him.

Old Earl is alright now, he's started eating regular food and doesn't need his T3's anymore (doesn't mean he isn't still taking them).

Oh well, I took in some revelry on the town after work today, (no fun gay convo's today) so I went to score for a drink w/ one of my favourite lezzies. She suggested I work there, but I don't think I've got the pecs (nor the sports iq) for it... I mean i'm not slouch, but I don't exactly make people drool over me :'(

Fuck it was busy! All over town, even the protesters were out in strong numbers, according to the news ~25k people. Good for them, I just dislike that everyone is ganging up on them (why can't they just let everyone enjoy the games, its not like they're going to stop the olympics from coming, they're just being attention whores...) Granted I don't know the full extent of the problems or the arguements on either side, but I think that if the Olympics are here, and they are causing civil rights issues, then they should be able to show these problems...

Anyway i'm over it

There are some nice looking tourists in town (even if they walk slowly, don't konw umberella ettiqutte, and don't tip). Case in point, today I was staring through the expo line at work and there was this gorgeous dark haired guy waiting to talk to his server and I just wanted to accost him... in a bienvenue sorta welcome to Canada way.

So I may go to english bay and hang out in the rain for a bit (I'm weird, I know) then I might stop in to Celebs or the O, for some gaiety and grinding... Hopefully Anita will want to join me in her usual full force.

Put down

Earl of grey is now out cold. Bout effing time too!

Jk I lurve him almost as much as I lurve Anita.

Except that tonight I've decided to stay the night on the old man's floor. (I believe his brother called dibs on the couch). This works out well I found out because Anita is entertaining tonight. She was very vague in her text but it read:

you need to not be here because I want to sleep with someone.

This sexiling is fine usually as I do it to her too, but usually there is notice given. And usually the notice is given because the sex was anticipated and not a hook-up. In my mind she met a hot snowboarder from Australia or something, and is doing him as we speak. Slightly worse is the possibility that the guy is not an Olympian and is actually robbing us. And the. Worst possible situation would be if her ex wanted a booty call.

Usually I don't judge because in my youth i'm more than a little ostentatious/slutty. But in the case of her ex...

The problem that I have with him is that he uses people/drugs/violence. Anita once spent a week wearing long sleeved shirts during the heat wave last summer (whereas I was wearing JUST underwear) in order to hide her bruises. She didn't press charges. Eff B and little Earl are home so I should prolly just go to bed...

She's a Ho

Anita dearest, your penchant for comic bookesque origin stories is pretty, sad *snap*

Anyway, old man Grey had his face ripped open and his wisdom teeth are outface... his gauze filled mouth is all bloody and he's asleep, but the way he's breathing is slightly irritating so i may put a pillow on his face just for some peace...

Ok so i'm probably not going to youthenise this oldie, but he's very squeemish so the blood might be too much for him.

Uncomfortable moment at work... Well not uncomfortable, and not weird, but still

Hostess: Waffles, I need to... I was wondering if... you're gay right?
Me: queer, but sure
Hostess: I thought queer was offensive
Me: Not really, but don't worry about that.
Hostess: Well, it's kind of embarassing (she was turning bright red) it's about my bf
Me: *whispers*Is he a gay?*whispers*
Hostess: WHAT? NO! You're silly...No, he wants to... omg... try anal.
Me: Oh... what kind?
Hostess: *panic* kind?
Me: Who is doing who?
Hostess: OH, he wants to do me
Me: Fun, except not quite the same I don't think, you lack a certain... prostate
Hostess: Does that make a difference?
Me: Oh yes...

So I spent some time telling her the in's and outs of her bum and I recommended that if he was going to do it, she should do him first, just for comparison's sake, just so he's aware its not exactly as... slippery as hetero-sex is...

SO, aspiring bottoms, some ground rules:

Diet
High fibre keeps you regular, and that helps to keep you clean, just saying

Condoms
Always, no negotiating, always

Practice makes perfect
Try exploring on your own beforehand, finger in the shower or something

During
RELAX! Don't worry, it will hurt the first few times/for the first bit, but RELAX because it gets much better


AND TOPS:
Be patient, the bottom is going to need your patience because it WILL hurt the bottom, and be open to try it yourself, its a LOT of fun, so don't limit yourself

The Real Hangover

Hello children
I'm Anita and I'll be your entertainment this morning, or I'll try to be. You see, yesterday as my wonderful Waffles pointed out, I was drinking last night... Heavily... So two bottles later, I managed to pass out in bed and like the dainty little thing I am, I took up the entire bed so my dearest Waffles slept on the couch because he doesn't like me when he's sober...

Anyway, as I said I'm Anita, how I became the wonderful creature you see (read: read) is a long story. Since I'm feeling hungover, depressed, and the glare on the computer screen is turned down I'll mention a little about myself.

It all started a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away... (Edmonton, 2002-ish)

It was as warm as could be expected and my friends and I were going to West Edmonton Mall to cool off at the wave pool. There were 3 boys and myself, amongst them was Charlie who had been my best friend (to be explained later). My former best friend, had invited some of the girls from our grade too because he bloomed early and already had his mind on such things. Not that any of the girls our age (~13) were particularly interesting/attractive/fabulous, but since Charlie wasn't either it didn't matter. There were three or four girls with Charlie and I... I think that's all the relevant stuff.

Anyway, changed into some monstrous tropical floral printed board shorts and went into the pool with everyone else. We went on slides, hung out in the wave pool, I talked with some of the girls who were really very nice and some of them even had the bosoms (some guy from my middle school called them 'the bosoms' it caught on). Around noon we were hanging out in the shallow end of the wave pool when someone noticed that Charlie was missing. We didn't think anything of it until someone suggested that he was in the locker room rocking his rooster (another colourful euphemism). The girls were grossed out, and the boys were laying it on shamefully thick making all kinds of icky jokes.

...and that is how rumours get started.

Charlie got a reputation after that. IMMEDIATELY after that. Like the other guys didn't want to go into the change room with him because he was going to be jerking, after that. Anyway, by Monday at school most people were making jokes and Charlie still didn't know about it. Whispers were everywhere and soon he had essentially earned himself a scarlet letter.

Despite all the rumours and jokes, when Charlie found out he kept his bravado, he made it work. My (alleged) part in all this however, came to light later.

Someone told Charlie that I was the one saying it (juevenile but we were 13) and when he asked me and I denied it, because I really didn't say anything, because the last thing I wanted to talk about was Charlie and his dick, because i didn't like thinking about his dick, because secretly I was breaking the first rule of friendship which states...

Thou shalt not covet thy best friends ass, genitals, chesticles, or body in any appreciable way. This extends to parents and siblings.

So yes, secret shame, I liked my (former) best friend. Which was wrong enough (i know what happened to Dawson and Joey)... Anyway it get's very unlady-like after that point. So I should probably leave it for the time being, needless to say it ends up destroying me though...

You're all a bunch of slags,
Duchess Anita Fisten-Botten

Waffles

Hi, i am Waffles

i hope you like this/my blog

refrigerator

Haiku aside, my friend the Earl of Grey told me about his blog, and i read it, and i read the story he wrote and i found it familiar to say the least. Anyway, he said he was enjoying his blogface and i thought i'd give it a go.

My roomate/lover is watching some bootlegged movie and drinking wine, she's sweet, but forgetful

Anita: You should be drinking wine
Waffles: You should be drinking less
Anita: If you drink some, I'll have less to drink
Waffles: Would you give me some wine?
Anita: Not on your life
Waffles: Didn't think so

She's humming to herself, beautiful disaster i think, she was listening to kelly clarkson today when i left for work. She's a beautiful disaster. When I got home from work she was crying and drinking because i think she had talked to:

a) her family with whom she doesn't get along with
b) her ex-boyfriend whom she doesn't get along with but still sleeps with sometimes
or c) some combination of the two

i didn't ask, not because i didn't care, but because i knew it would only make me and her more upset. I called my family today and they asked me how school was going... I haven't told them that i'm not going to school, or that i'm staying in east van in a bachelor suite w/ anita, something tells me they wouldn't approve.

i'll let her explain her business

Mine is that i didn't actually want to go to schoolface, not yet anyway. I really didn't have the motivation to after highschool. Not until i had some fun first, earl had something to do with that one

i'll let him explain his business

anyway, i hope you learn to love my work (and don't mind my drunken wench of a roomate)

waffles